Honestly

Even people who enjoy words and writing get to a point where they don’t know how best to portray an idea. And here I am. I might be able to write some poem that gets the overall idea across. But, writing some stanzas and purposefully using poetic language did not seem authentic to what I needed to express. Sometimes, the best way to illustrate your idea is simply to be honest. Honestly, I don’t know how to say this. I don’t know how to make it sound poetic or likable. So, I’m not going to try:

My dad died two weeks ago (June 28th, 2022). I will never get my mom's words out of my head: your dad is dead. I immediately screamed, hugging the ground. The ground was the only thing left that was solid at that moment. I literally felt my heart grasp for what it knew would never again be reachable: my dad. I screamed with anger that I had to endure this. I screamed in pain for my dad. I screamed with worry that all those who loved him had to face this as well. I screamed.

I sat in the grass just to feel the soft graze of the earth. I looked out amongst the peaceful tide and the quiet marsh just to know some parts of life remained normal. I breathed in my sniffles just to check if my primary organs still functioned. I prayed, and I prayed hard. I processed a million emotions at once, but the Lord thankfully grounded me with the softness of the grass, the pull of the tide, and the silence of the marsh. I have prayed to the Lord: “peace, peace, bring me peace” for many years, so the times I do feel peace are ones I hold dear. I felt at peace here. I saw the birds hover above, and my chest rose at a steady pace. I pulled the grass from its roots and knew God would soon replenish it. I squinted at the antique, yet resilient, marsh and knew it had endured far more hurricanes than I. The Lord placed me in my favorite space so that I could find Him, even when finding anything close to sanity seemed impossible.

In my moments of reflection, the Lord has thankfully given me words of encouragement and the strength to overcome. Some of the ideas/lessons that I feel most compelled to share:

• The devil will constantly try to tear us down. The more he tries to do so, the more you know that the Lord has such greatness planned for you. Your power is in recognizing that pain does not bring destruction, it brings triumph.

• “I love what you’ve made me.” A quote I recently read. There are no human relationships that do not face some adversity, but your ability to forgive is what frees you from the inability to love yourself and progress. I love what you’ve made me. Holding grudges and loving yourself deeply cannot coexist. If you truly love yourself, you must forgive any wrongdoings because what happened is what formed you- and I love what they’ve made me. I love me.

• We must separate the Lord from tragedy. “But why did the Lord let that happen?” Why did He let my dad die? That is a question I had expected myself to ask. I prayed to the Lord that I would have understanding instead of resentment. He left me with the following phrase: God is always good even when the world is bad. We have never and will never be able to predict nor control how our life events occur. What we can control is how we respond to them. And we can rest assured that the Lord’s response is always the same: He is there. He is steadfast and absolutely faithful; we must look to Him.

• Every day may not be good, but the ending will be great. We must give ourselves grace to rest sometimes. We must allow ourselves to acknowledge emotions instead of suppressing them. Even in days of darkness, the promise of everlasting peace gives me enough energy to whisper Jesus’ name.

• “Before you were born I set you apart.” My life’s verse. It is humbling to hear what other people’s life verses are. It is humbling to know that the Lord has created us all to resonate with different language. This verse has always provided me strength and honestly makes me feel like a bada$$. The Lord knows exactly who I will be on my final day; He knows me now. He knew what every step of my life would entail before He chose me. I have complete confidence in knowing that I have always been set apart by the Lord; no one has had my experiences, felt my emotions, listened to my thoughts, or prayed my prayers. But the Lord has; He knew all of that before I was named. He set my experiences, emotions, thoughts, and prayers apart to make me a testimony to His love and power. And that is what makes us intentionally and divinely unique.

(I will still try to surprise Him)

Propelled by hope, guided by faith - MME